Thursday Hate: Your new car sucks

Tips from Steven Vance and @erik_d red-lined the rage-o-meter and inspired an all-too-infrequent edition of…

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Leave the car, take the bike

After viewing the laughably misguided video below, I was delighted to find that Opel was a subsidiary of GM, who were recently bitch-slapped last year for equating bike commuting with loser status in a series of ads targeting college students. Here is further evidence of the desperate attempts automakers are taking in trying to reverse a startling trend in ownership and even licensing among 18-34 year-olds, down over 30% in just five years.

So , under a perverted guise of mobility-management, Opel recruited “hipsters and designers” (such as the one wearing a helmet visor  at 0:52? – I guess they didn’t have room in the shot for the helmet mirror and charity-ride half-zip) to breathe horribly-mutated life into the idea that “sometimes the perfect urban car is a bike”.

These people think they’re so brilliant: “We’ll use bikes to sell them cars! And they won’t even NOTICE!” [high fives, smarmy grins, someone tosses back a 5-Hour Energy]

Fuck you.  Keep your car. Because when you’re stuck in a traffic jam, you can to-o-o-o-tally find a parking space right away and hop on your bike! [Makes jerking-off motions.]

And on second thought, keep that poseur, Chinese-made, too-cliche-now-even-for-Urban-Outfitters, brakeless fixie that your “crew” clearly can’t ride safely, as evidenced by the painfully slow, jive-ass Keirin “race” over some cobbled garden pathway.  Nice job keeping a Hyde Park regular from her evening walk with Muffy:

Der Beestvagen

The question I’m asking is: does it fit in the drive-thru?

Because, as Erik pointed out, there’s gotta be at least 12 cupholders in there.  From Yahoo Autos: at $450,000 “…if you have to ask about miles per gallon, then clearly you don’t own enough oil wells to afford one.”

 

We know the Wells Street Bridge reconstruction hasn’t been easy so far, but…

I know someone must do it: wear a glasses or cap-mounted microcamera so you can instantly take pictures of assholes acting like assholes. Like the guy who got off the Red Line at Grand this morning and stood on the platform screaming profanities at the motorman, who was leaning out the window checking the doors and had provided extraordinarily courteous and professional updates over the train PA on the delays being caused by the Wells Bridge work.

Seems like the ideal candidate for an Opel Adams.

 

And finally…

Here’s two bus-bunched 147s, one of which I rode to Bryn Mawr and Sheridan this evening from work. One is reticulated and the other a standard shorter model. Guess which was packed tighter than a bowl making the rounds in Cypress Hill’s green room?

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Yours in hate,

RJH.